You are damn awesome

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I'm sporting a nice headache. One of those that are annoying but not mind numbing or terribly painful. If I had too much to drink last night, I'd know why, but that certainly ain't the case.

I don't know what to do with my life. I feel lost, and I'm not stuck on an island with a TV crew, a couple of hot girls and some weirdo's. If that were the case, I probably wouldn't even mind and just go with the flow. If I were participating in Survivor, I'd do alright.

Lost is probably not the right word, scared maybe is a better word even, hell, I don't know. The previous time(s) I bought a property it was always with my partner at the time, with a future we'd spend together. Sure enough, that didn't last "until death us do part" otherwise I wouldn't be facing it all alone now, but still... it was comforting to be able to bounce ideas and calculations around, look at interiors together and just dream, decorate and build away. It seemed "right".

Now it is just me, looking at properties, doing calculations and predictions, but not really believing in any of them. I fear making a decision, buying a property - it doesn't even matter which one, as the feeling remains equal - and just realizing that I'll never be happy there. I'll have a roof over my head, but not something to call home, or to feel home.

I've got wonderful friends and family, but they can't take away that feeling, no matter what they do or try, or how wonderful they are. An they are pretty damn awesome, yes they are.

I coded a nice report in excel this morning - something I should have done a while back - and will get feedback from our customer in a couple of minutes, after which I'll probably spend the rest of the day fine tuning it to make it more accessible, usable and with even better reporting before putting it to use starting next week. I should feel proud and good about it, shouldn't I? Well, I don't. It's only work, only a fucking report and I couldn't care less. I'm pleased to have learned a few new tricks in excel, but that's hardly enough to counter the pain I feel inside. Oh, and the headache ain't gone either...

Today, I was asked how I did it earlier when I was still with my girlfriend, seeing as I get home now, eat and fall asleep on the couch, then head off to bed. I didn't do that then - it happened, but not every day. The answer may be surprisingly simple yet complicated : 1. I had things to do to prevent me from just sitting down and falling asleep. 2. I couldn't get away with it. 3. I actually had a good rest at night.

Nowadays I work nine to ten and a half hours a day, and read up on building and decorating when not at work, doing research and gathering information (mostly just by reading though). When I "sleep" at night my body shuts down for 4 to 6 hours, but I don't get the rest I should. I go from being awake to not being awake, but my heart and mind don't stop racing and processing thoughts and emotions. Essentially I went from being awake and active for 17 to 18 hours a day with 6-7 hours of good quality sleep to being awake and active for 18 to 19 hours a day with 5 to 6 hours of crap sleep. In fact, I sometimes wonder why and how I still am able to function relatively well.

Oh, if this seems an awfully dark entry, don't worry. In fact it is not. It's a way of setting things straight for myself, throwing it all out and coping with it. It's improving, slowly. I'll be back, better, leaner and meaner than ever. Well, forget about the mean thing : I'm not a mean person, never have been, probably never will be.

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I wish I could give your soul some peace, and give your heart a bear hug. I'll be thinking of you...

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This page contains a single entry by ServMe published on December 27, 2010 12:58 PM.

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